


Triple Dog Dare

by Caedmon



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Clint No, Clint has a healthy fear of Natasha, F/M, Gen, Multi, Natasha is not pleased, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, Sam is along for the ride, Sledding, Tony Has Issues, clint you dummy, the sled scene, triple dog dare, using the shield as a sled
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-30
Updated: 2014-08-30
Packaged: 2018-02-15 10:44:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,233
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2226147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caedmon/pseuds/Caedmon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tony finds out that Clint really enjoys the National Lampoon movies, and that he is constitutionally incapable of turning down a Triple Dog Dare. </p><p>This happened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Triple Dog Dare

“It’s a triple dog dare, Birdie. You can’t back out.” Tony’s eyes were gleaming with mischief and that never, _ever_ ended well.

“I’m not backing out," Clint answered, stomping his feet in the snow against the cold. He sounded much more like a sullen, swaggering little boy than he had ever hoped to. “It’s just that -“

“Just what?” Tony taunted. “You chicken, Hawk?” He and Sam both tittered at this joke and Clint gave them a withering look.

“No, I’m not the least bit afraid, you jackass. It’s just that….if we get caught, Nat is going to kill me. I’m not being metaphorical. She’ll take my ass out.”

Sam laughed. “If she hasn’t by now, I’d say you’re good.”

Tony chimed in. “Besides, isn’t her signature move to choke you out with her thighs? Can you think of a better way to go?”

Clint growled, “Watch it, Stark, unless you want an arrow in your inseam.”

Sam grinned for a second then turned to Tony. “He’s right though. If he breaks that -“

“Breaks it? He couldn’t possibly! My old man designed it and it’s stood the test of time, _clearly._ ”

“Yeah, but…”

“You’re just here for moral support, LittleBirdie, and to make sure he follows the terms of the dare. BigBirdie, you need to get right with God.” Tony chuckled as he bent back to the shield, and Sam shot Clint a half amused-half apologetic look and blew into his hands to warm them. Clint bowed his head and took Tony’s advice, praying - not for a reprieve or for his safety, but for some kind of miracle to happen and Natasha never to find out that his dumb ass had taken this dare. 

In a way, maybe he actually _was_ praying for his safety.

oOo

Tony rubbed his hands briskly and turned to face the other two men. “Now! As you can see, we’re ready for you to fulfill the terms of this triple dog dare. You were dared to take Cap’s shield and use it to reenact the sled scene from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.”

“This is such a bad idea…” Clint muttered.

“What’s that, Birdie? Wanna back out?”

“No.”

“You sure? I wouldn't mind. Because if you back out, you’re required to announce my superiority in all areas every morning, every communal meal, and at other random times deemed by me. Correct?”

Clint swore foully.

“We still on, Birdie?”

“Yes,” Clint ground out. 

“Excellent! Well, first things first…I have to start, and I’ve decided to be completely accurate.” He pulled out a small bottle of spray and began spraying it on the shield. “This is a liquid polymer-petroleum blend that will not only give it reflective and refractive capabilities that we won’t go into here, it’s also made the shield hundreds of times more slippery than any known substance on earth. This piece of patriotism is going to be slick and fast...and that sounded way more homoerotic out loud than it did in my head.”

Sam bellylaughed and Clint snorted despite his bad mood. “What’d you _really_ develop this lube for, metalhead?”

“You seriously want to mess with me right now, Birdie? I’ll tell Spidey on you.”

Clint muttered under his breath and took the proffered shield while Sam continued to laugh. 

“Now!” Tony said cheerfully, “Clint? Don’t you have something to say? I said my part.”

Clint shot him a murderous look, then spoke through gritted teeth. 

“I don’t know that I want any of that special lube on here. You know that metal plate in my head?”

Tony was fairly bouncing, Sam had a hand over his mouth to stifle his giggles. “Yeah? What about it?”

Clint swallowed hard. In a monotone: “They had to switch it out because every time Nat would rev up the microwave I’d -“ Clint closed his eyes and shook his head, “I’d piss my pants and forget who I was for about thirty minutes.”

Over Tony and Sam’s howls Clint asked, “Is that enough? We good yet?”

Sam recovered first. Clint had always seen him as a nice guy, a friend, but his opinion changed when Sam answered between laughs, “No, you have to do the rest.”

Clint scrubbed his face and looked up at the sky, watching his breath turn to steam before lowering his head and setting his jaw. “Over at the hospital, they replaced it with a plastic one, it ain’t as strong as the metal one. I don't know if I need to be flying down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brain but a piece of government plastic.”

Sam and Tony were doubled over. Clint shook his head at them. “I hate you assholes.”

Tony straightened up a little and looked at Clint, gasping. “Do you…do you really think it would make a difference?”

Clint raised his gloved hand to his head and flipped the two of them the bird before using his middle finger to point at his head, sending them into fresh peals of laughter. “See, the plate runs right underneath my part. Over here,” he smacked the opposite side of his head, “ain’t nothing. But right here,” he flipped them the bird again then went back to pointing at his head with his middle finger, “if this gets dented, my hair just ain’t gonna look right.”

Tony fell over into the snow and Sam clutched his sides, coughing. Clint looked around at nothing, praying again that Nat would never find out, knowing that she somehow would. She always found everything out. He was screwed. 

“Are we ready yet, you dickholes?”

Tony stumbled to his feet, brushing the snow off of himself and wiping his eyes. “Yeah, go ahead. Don’t forget the rest of your lines.” He snickered some more, apparently at the mere thought of what was upcoming. 

Clint sat the shield down in the snow and knelt down on it, rocking back and forth a couple of times. “Alright, here we go. Remember, don’t try this at home. I am a professional.” He took one more deep breath and whispered one more prayer for Natasha’s ignorance. “Going for a new international amateur land speed snow shield record, Clinton F. Barton. Okay, later dudes. Hang ten. Fuck you.”

Tony and Sam howled laughter as Clint rocked once, twice, then pushed off and screamed " _ **OH SHIIIIIT**_ " as he disappeared down the hill in a blur of red, white, blue and purple.

oOo

Sam, Tony and Clint lay in the infirmary, bruised and battered. 

“I can’t decide,” Clint said. “I don’t know if my favorite part was when Cap knocked your heads together, or when Nat cartwheeled and flipped each of you onto your backs before smacking you around like a cat with a toy.”

Tony groaned. “Don’t remind me.” Clint chuckled, then groaned himself and clutched at his taped ribs. 

Sam tried to grin but grimaced instead. “I tell you, I’d take that beating again. _Totally_ worth it. I’d love to see all of that again.”

Clint leaned back on his pillows. “Well, that’s just tough shit. I’m never doing it again. I’m in deep enough shit with Nat, but she might just speak to me again if I grovel enough.”

Tony curled his lip at Clint as best he could around the cuts and blackened eye. “We don’t need you to do it again. I recorded the whole thing.”

**Author's Note:**

> God, this was fun to write.
> 
> caedmonfaith.tumblr.com


End file.
